My new form of self defence…read on girls!
Now, I know your blog is about you (they don’t call me Einstein for nothing) so it’s natural to write about your personal life. But the problem is, I’m not really one for getting too personal and if I’m honest, I never have been. I don’t Instagram every meal I eat, (mainly because I’m not cool/tech savvy enough to even have an Instagram) I don’t tweet every time I’m in Nando’s and I definitely don’t ‘check in’ everywhere I go on Facebook – “Ellie was at – Primark” “Ellie was at – Nando’s” “Ellie was at – Bed” – no thank you, bore off!
However I am going to talk about something a little personal today, that happened to me. Well it wouldn’t be personal if it happened to Joe Bloggs would it, you knob! A couple of weeks ago, I very nearly got mugged. Before you all start buying flowers, chocolates, grapes etc. for me – although if you’ve gone to the effort I live at 30…..- I’m absolutely fine. Two
little pricks, cheeky f**kers, pieces of shit, horrible people on bikes drove past me, hit me and tried to grab my phone. Anyway, I’m not here to give you a sob story – next thing you know I’ll be actually on The X-Factor and not just working on it. “Hi my name’s Ellie, I got bashed up and I’m going to sing “I Will Survive!”
So, the point in my snore-worthy intro was actually to tell you that this little incident has made me realise I need some sort of self defence. Now, some people take up boxing…I’m not down with that guys, too much potential to chip a nail. Some people take up running…I’d be up for that, if I actually owned a pair of trainers other than my Primark Wedged bad boys. So, seeing as those – and anything which required physical effort – were out the picture, I stumbled across a bargainous and perfect way to defend myself if another pikey mofo strikes.
Girls, say hello to the best Jeffrey Campbell spiked Lita rip offs, and my new form of self defence….
….they are absolutely lethal I’m telling you! I even struggled to get the f***ers on as I kept poking myself with the spikes. Despite the ridiculous 5.5inch heel and 2.5inch platform, they are unbelievably comfortable. Don’t however, confuse comfortable for practical – I’m pretty sure nobody would view 6inched platform shoes with a mass of spikes as practical…but just in case you do – they are not! As much as I am in love with these, they reduced my walking pace from slow…to snail’s pace. I am also relatively tall, and clumsy, so am pretty much ungainly at the best of times. You can only imagine the site of me tottering along in these. Picture a cross between Peter Crouch and Bambi….and even then I think I’m being far too generous to myself.
Anyway, my lack of ability to walk in a straight line/keep myself upright aside, here’s what I paired my new pride and joys with. Please bear in mind it was cold, and I was feeling rough, before you send me to the Fashion Police!
I love that fashion has gone old school with tie-die coming back on the scene. This jumper took me right back to my childhood roots – talking of roots, apologies if mine are offending you because they definitely are me! – all I need now is to wack on ‘Saved by the bell’ and I’m 6 years old all over again!
Tie dye jumper that took me back to my childhood summers: Primark. Of course, where the bloody hell else?
Pleather trousers that you have, and will, see a million billion trillion times (you can never have enough 0’s): H&M
Jeffrey Campbell look-a-like boots that will be in the tyre of the next fucker who tries to mug me’s bike:
So the moral of this story is, if you’re trying to avoid getting mugged…buy some spiky Jeffrey Campbell wannabe’s! No I’m only kidding, I’m not that superficial – I am, but that’s just not the moral of the story – it’s more to say that there are some scummy @&?/$@!>| out there, that do scummy things, BUT, there are a hell of a lot of good people out there too. Yes it’s not nice, and yes it does definitely shake you up but if you sit and wallow indoors afraid of your own shadow, they’ve won. Pick yourself up, wack your boots on, and the next time they come…puncture their f***ing tyre’s with them!
Thank you – as always – so much for reading. Hope you all enjoyed this post!