I’M FEELING 22-OOH-OOH

I’m not sure you would have known this before reading the title of this post – as I absolutely hate birthdays with a passion and therefore barely mention it on social media, on my blog etc. – but it is my birthday today, so I thought ‘what better time to sit down, get a bit reflective with you all and let all the feelings flow’. (At least, it was my birthday when I started writing this, whether or not it’ll go out today – or at all, as this is pretty personal for me and I would be lying if I said I was shitting a brick about the thought of pressing publish on this – is another question)

I am now 22, and I have decided to embrace growing older and here’s why. For anyone that doesn’t know, I am a TV producer and have worked in TV for the last 4 years. If you follow any of my social media accounts I’m sure you may have seen me from time to time joking about how many hours I work and the stress etc. that comes with the job (and all the fun parts too – meeting Harry Styles for ‘work’ isn’t the hardest job in the world). Which is why as I sit here today – 2 glasses in and ever so slightly tipsy – I am allowing myself to do something which I have never done before, and that’s to say out loud (well, in writing anyway) that on reflection, I’m actually pretty proud of how much I have lived, what I’ve experience, and what I’ve achieved in those 22 years. Now, please don’t read that and christen me the world’s biggest twat, I am the least braggy/arrogant/’up my own arse’ type of person you’ll ever meet and am constantly taking the mick out of myself, but today, as I’m surrounded by family and friends reliving some of the things I have experienced, I have realised that a part of growing older means becoming more comfortable in yourself. And the most incredible thing of all? Losing the ability to really care what people think of you, and freely expressing whatever you think regardless. Hence this post you’re reading right now. 

22 is pretty young for a TV producer, in fact, most people only start in TV around that age so I feel so incredibly lucky and grateful to be where I am. The reason however that I started so young is because I was chronically ill and in hospital from the age of 15 – I actually fell ill on my 15th birthday which doesn’t help the birthday hate – to 18. To cut a long story short, despite still getting my GCSE’s by some utter miracle, I couldn’t take my A Levels and therefore go on to Uni, as had been the plan my entire life. I was academic and not at all creative so everything, in the space of what felt like only a second, had completely changed.

After undergoing a pretty life changing operation, – thanks Professor Knowles (because I’m sure you will be reading my fashion, beauty and lifestyle blog) – I was finally well enough to (in my own words) “start doing something with my life”. I fancied working in TV so wrote off to over 100 production companies where I interned and did work experience for 9months. No pay, no travel expenses and a hell of a lot of hard work. Eventually I was offered my first ‘proper’ job on the X-Factor at the age of 18 and the rest as they say, is history.

But you see, I’m not telling you all of this for a pat on the back or for pity, I’m writing this down for my own benefit – obviously for anyone in the world to see also if they so wish – to remind myself and express how truly, truly grateful I am for everyone, and everything I have in life. Times haven’t been too easy – but then that makes me no different to anyone else does it? – and I only need to look at the people surrounding me on a daily basis – and the love that I receive and feel from them to realise that actually, I am truly rich beyond my means.

So thank you Mum, Dad and James – for being by my side every second and giving me reason to carry on fighting.

Birthdays for me bring a whole new level of perspective – hence this ridiculously long and soppy post – so here are some things going through my mind right now that’s it’s totally ok to do. Some sentimental, some superficial… pretty much the story of my life 🙂

*It’s OK to look in the mirror on your birthday just to ‘check’ that you haven’t got any wrinkles, despite having none only one day before.*

*It is totally OK to polish off over half of your leftover birthday cake, even if people are looking at you like you’re the biggest pig in the world. Just do it anyway…*

*It’s OK to mentally check through where you are in life and panic because you’re not in the place you thought you’d be in when you were 14 and clearly knew everything about the world. You’ve not done the things you thought you’d do but you know what? It doesn’t matter. Everything in this world happens for a reason and what’s meant to be will always find it’s way*

*It’s equally OK though, to not ever want to grow up. It worked for Peter Pan, right?*

*It’s OK to run upstairs the second you’ve finished opening presents to go and try out all the new makeup you’ve received. Even if you plaster it all on at once and end up rocking Drag queen chic*

*It’s OK to want to go out to ‘make the most of your birthday’ but equally slob around all day doing nothing but eating chocolate and watching mean girls.*

*It’s OK to have a mid life/mid twenties/any old life crisis. If you’re worried and are questioning life, it simply means you care.*

*It’s OK to cry. Whether it be happy tears, emotional tears, or tears because some bitch has stolen the attention on your birthday. It’s your birthday and you can cry if you want to ;)*

Thank you so much to anyone that has persevered through this ramble, I am so grateful to anyone of you that take the time to read my little corner of the Internet. I hope you enjoyed this post, it was far more personal than I ever thought I would have had the balls to publish so if you did, I would love to hear in the comments below <3

[insert millions of ‘blow kiss’ emoji’s here]

xx