If I’m being totally honest, I am a little bored of talking about “going through a breakup”. It’s definitely not something I talk about a lot – I’ve actually never done a full post about it (and never will because a – depressing AF and b – just no) and have just mentioned it very vaguely here and there – but it’s one of those things that I know people are interested in. And I get it. I am beyond guilty of clicking on a post labelled Personal in less than 0.0000494 seconds and quite happily devour a post or video about somebody’s personal life.
But I guess because I haven’t mentioned it much on any social platform, and never taking much attention of my blog statistics (and therefore still only believing that my Mum is the only one reading it despite my stats telling me otherwise) I just assumed I could mention it once and be done forever because no one will really care.
Yeah, I was wrong. Really really wrong because to this day I still receive emails and dm’s after writing my Dear 2016 post and I still get a lot of people asking how I’m doing now, does it get easier, do you still feel like you are on a rollercoaster that will never f**king end,
do you still want to run him over and I guess I just realised that actually, I kinda have a responsibility to anyone invested in what happened to let you know how I’m getting on. And the truth is, I’m doing well. Really, really well. Dare I even say, I am happy? (Instant regret in doing this because we all know the breakup gods will bless me with a sad, moaning Myrtle day tomorrow, fml). I was thinking of doing a little update because I just need anyone going through it right now to know that it gets better, so so so much better, time is a healer and all of those other cliches that you never believe are actually true, are actually bloody true [insert hands up/hallelujah emoji here]. But for now, I wanted to talk about what I’ve learned from going through hell a break up; the good, the bad, the ugly and the surprising.
Life can change in a matter of moments. All breakups are different, some are long and drawn out, some should’ve happened years previously, some are the result of one person making a mistake
and being a total twat, and some just come out of nowhere, pulling the rug from underneath you and changing your world in a matter of moments (mine kinda fell into the first and the latter, yay me but was mostly still a complete and utter shock). It was shite, shockingly shockingly shite but it made me be more grateful for what I have. My family, my friends – more on this later – my job, everything incredible that I have in life right now, I value more than I ever did before because I know that life has a way of changing in a moment and never letting you get complacent.
Time is a healer, no matter how terrible or hard the situation is. I genuinely never thought I was going to be OK again when it first all started happening. I felt sick all of the time, it was the first thing on my mind from the moment I woke up to the second I fell asleep, it just… ugh god it was horrendous. I cried a lot, I spoke about it a lot, it was just the worst thing that had happened and I couldn’t imagine ever feeling even a slither of happiness again. But it happened. Every day I laugh until I cry with my best friends, I hang out with my family who are all dreamboats, I am so motivated and excited about my work… I just feel 10000x better than I did and the only thing that made this possible was time. I am only 3 months in – which according to a lot of people is actually pretty early on in the whole shitty process – and I already feel like life is slowly getting back to normal. Better than normal even. Different and scary and fun and exciting and nerve-wracking… but I’m starting a new chapter with a stronger mindset and I cannot wait for what lies ahead.
You never really know someone until you break up with them. I don’t think I really need to even elaborate on this.
Everything happens for a reason. I’ve always thrown this phrase around but last year tested my truth beliefs in this little cliche like no other, and I still, despite going through so much sadness and grief that never made any sense and felt so so awful, I still believe that everything happens for a reason. Things are already happening in this new chapter of mine that wouldn’t have happened before so always believe that what’s meant to be will eventually find it’s way.
One day you will move on. To be honest, I was a little bit sick in my mouth just writing that. I’m moving on, I’m not over it yet, but I know one day in the future I will be. You do move on no matter how much you believe you’ll never be able to. You go back to the person you were, the person without constant sadness and heartbreak but you actually become a better, stronger, well rounded version.
You are stronger than you ever believed you could be. Everyone has always called me strong. I was really ill in hospital a lot when I was younger and I’d been through some shit and just got on with it, but I never believed I was strong until this happened. It’s funny isn’t it, I’ve been so lucky to work on so many amazing campaigns with brands that I’ve loved since I was a teen, I’ve travelled all over the world because of my job… but one of the things I am most proud of is turning up for a Live Shoot with Primark, having cried all night and having had absolutely zero sleep whatsoever (after breaking up that day) and just getting on with it when all I wanted to do was stay in bed in a crumpled mess. Sometimes it’s the seemingly small victories that prove to make the biggest difference. But yeah, sucking it up that day in my saddest moments and being a “girl boss” – brb whilst I vom repeatedly – was the moment that I realised I was stronger than I thought I was. That, actually, I’ve got this. (Lol, looking back now, I did not “have this” in any way back then but sometimes just believing you do is enough).
YOU ARE A SASSY MOFO. Obviously a lot of the time I felt like a sack of potatoes, but some of time time I’d whack on a red lip, wear an outfit I was obsessed with and go for a full day of meetings and events and I felt, for the first time ever, like a totally sassy and independent girl boss! Whether it’s a bold lip, pretty eyeshadow, incredible outfit, a perfume… whatever it is that makes you all MOVE OVER WORLD, wear it, use it, feel like your best self because omg you are never going to need a confidence boost more than right now!
I have never been a confident person. Ever. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to think I am a good person that’s caring and kind and thoughtful. I am confident in my ability to do my job, to meet new people and be able to talk to anyone (I am the chattiest human on the planet and hate awkward silences so I talk 10x more than what’s necessary)… but I think I will just always look in the mirror and see Shrek/Hagrid/Sloth/[Insert your own choice of equally ugly person] looking back at me. Being in a relationship where I truly felt adored obviously helped a lot with this. I was lucky in that I was (nearly) always made to feel like the prettiest, most amazing person on the planet, and whilst I obviously didn’t believe it (because I do have a mirror) it did give me a bit of a boost. I guess you just feel that if the person you’re with thinks you’re the best thing since sliced bread then nothing else really matters. But the problem with this is that when your confidence is based on someone else’s opinion of you, you give them the power to rip it all away from you, and this is kinda what happened. I don’t really know how to counteract this as I have never really believed in myself or even believed that I could be a confident person, but I do know that relying on a man/woman/your partner to give you your confidence is something I will never allow myself to do again.
You work out who your true friends are. Oh sweet baby jesus is this f**king true. I had a couple of friends that I spoke to constantly. Met up with constantly in between meetings and work and life, and I genuinely counted them as true friends. We’d whatsapp all the time, have those kinda phone calls when you’d discuss life and immediately feel so much better after doing so, and then… well, at the first mention of going through the worst time in my entire life, they were kinda just like LOL BYE FOREVER, and I’ve pretty much heard absolutely nada since. So there is that situation. But there is also a situation where people that you always loved and thought were great become those people that you end up talking to all day everyday (Ally and Jess I’m looking at you) and just have the best times with ever. I have honestly laughed more in the last 3 months than I have in my entire life down to the best friends in the entire world and couldn’t be any more grateful to have them in my life. Funnily, I don’t think we’d have been so close had I not gone through the break up so for that reason alone, I am truly truly grateful that everything turned out the way it did!
You’ll never take any shit from anybody ever again. I am officially now the pickiest person in the world and I think it’s because I would genuinely rather be on my own than be with someone who didn’t deserve/wasn’t right for me. It’s a difficult one because I truly believe that there is strength in showing your vulnerability. And I would hate to lose the softness and kindness and openness that makes me, me. But when you’ve been hurt, it takes a long time and someone really special to build up that trust again and actually… being a bit closed off and guarded is not a bad thing at all. It’s a way of protecting ourselves and making sure that the next person you let in doesn’t turn out to be like the last. But yeah, basically, any bit of sass that you might have possessed (which for me was practically none anyway) comes out in full force. Game playing, mixed signals, leaving you hanging, immediate red flags and generally being a bit twatty…. bye forever.
Bye forever, LOLOLOL at the serious level of sass in my closing argument [insert sassy hand in the air/cry laughter emoji here].